The right of each individual to be astonishing, amazing, independent and – well, individual – has never been more firmly asserted than now. You see it in the shift in our vocabulary. It wasn’t that long ago when people would seriously ask what they “should” do. There was a reasonable community consensus of what constituted the good and moral life, and with that consensus, there was some pressure to conform and to do the things we “should” do.
Today we are more interested in all the things we “could” do – and tend to get irritated (even outraged) if others suggest there is a list of limitations, or things we”should” do, especially if they are a bit of a dampener to our “could” list. There was a time when if we said we were attending something, we would, because, after all, you should keep your word. Now we understand that a “yes, I’m attending” means “I could be there” with the subtext, “provided a better option doesn’t materialise.” We like to keep our choices open, and to be free to pursue the whim of the moment.
There are many benefits that flow from silencing the should word. We are no longer beholden to social conventions we might not agree with. Dispense with “should” and a significant dampener to creativity and originality is lifted. Abandon “should” and we are free to pursue what works best for us, we can be our own person, follow our own dream, experience a 1000 things we would otherwise not have tried, back ourself and so on. Even if you are wary of discarding the “should” word, I am sure you can see the many benefits of focusing on could rather than should.
But there is another side…
An old Spanish proverb says, “Take what you want and pay for it, says God.” Like it or not, the disappearance of “should” is not without a price tag. Part of the problem is that when we abandon “should” we lose the right to complain when others make the same decision. If playing the bagpipes is your thing (albeit you have no natural talent for it) who am I to complain if you do so in our street at 6am on Saturday morning. I can’t tell you you shouldn’t do that if I resist comparable limitations being placed on me.
The “could” “should” debate highlights an important dilemma – the “autonomy” “connectedness” paradox. Simply stated, we long (and desperately need) to be connected to one another, but our desire for connectedness places limitations on our desire for autonomy.
A shattering price we often pay for autonomy is deep loneliness. Yes, we are free to do things our own way, but it often means we do them alone. It might well be that no one has the right to tell us what we should do, but equally it often means that no one really gets close to us, or that we are deeply part of anything. Me, myself and I make a desperately lonely trio.
If you want to be close to others you sometimes have to go to the movie that doesn’t interest you, eat Italian when Thai is definitely your preference, and turn up to your book club even when a headache is starting. True, you can bail once in a while, but do that too often and your Uber meal will usually be for one. Autonomy and connectedness often pull in different directions.
Most readers of this blog are followers of Jesus, and are not exempt from this quandary. You see it clearly in the rise of “churchless” faith. Now don’t misread me. I am very (very) sympathetic to those who have had a difficult experience with church that has left them backing away and feeling that they can’t carry on. There is a troubling “them/ us” dimension that can slip into church life. It can be difficult to navigate. Sometimes when people are most struggling and most need the help of their church community, they feel most abandoned and judged by it. The hurt can be deep and devastating. Churchless faith is often the result – people saying they still love Jesus but are not part of any local church.
For those who think this is a minor issue, think again. In Australia (where I live – but the same is true in many other countries) the number of people who have stopped attending church is roughly equal to the number who still attend. Make sure you understand this statistic. It is not saying the number of people who attend church is roughly equal to those who don’t (if only this were true!) but that the number of people who have intentionally stopped attending church is roughly equal to those who continue to attend – put differently, there is a church drop out rate of around 50%.
Why?
It’s easy enough to understand. The church I attend has uncomfortable chairs – which might be fine when you are 16, but less so when you are 67. I usually like the music, but usually is not always. Most often I agree with the views expressed, but again, that’s not always. And I really like most of the people, but again… well, you’ve got the point.
But there is another side to the equation.
I unexpectedly landed up in hospital a few months ago. People at my church are still checking up on me – asking if I’m ok. They do actually care, and they did actually pray. Rosemary (my wonderful wife of almost 45 years) has just finished making a meal for someone who is unwell – she does that most weeks. No, they wouldn’t starve if she didn’t – we all know how to dial a meal in – but it’s rather nice to know that someone is also looking our for you and that you are not alone. It’s just good to be part of a community. And strange as it may sound, it’s also good to not always get your own way, but to lean into the difference and to experience something you would more usually not be open to.
So there you go… autonomy or connectedness. I am not sure you can always have it all. The first “not good” in the Bible is found in Gen 2:18 “it is not good for the man to be alone.” That verse isn’t limited to marriage. It simply isn’t good to be alone. So dare I say it, if you have to choose between autonomy and connectedness, opt for connectedness. Yes, you could make another choice, but you really shouldn’t…
And if you spot someone who would love to belong, but is facing one obstacle too many, why not accept that you probably could, and definitely should, help take those obstacles away…
Nice chatting…
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