Some of you have asked how my 30 Proverbs Challenge is going. Others have asked what my next book will be. The answer overlaps in that I hope the 30 Proverbs Challenge (a proverb a day for a month providing wisdom for faith, flourishing, family, fortune and the future) will be my next book. I’m working on several key sayings at the moment, some of which readers of this blog have sent me, so my thanks to them.
Today’s proverb gives a little taster of what I’m thinking about.
Proverb: Regret should be a signpost, not a home.
Most of us live with some regrets. There are challenges we backed out of, relationships we watched sour, decisions that were poorly considered, and outbursts that reflected poor discipline. It’s usually not possible to undo the past, and what has happened has happened. Regret can hang over us like a heavy cloud, and we might find ourself returning again and again to a wistful lament “if only…”
I don’t know what your “if only” song is, but for many it is set on replay, and a thousand small triggers can see it replay again and again.
Daniel Pink’s book, The Power of Regret has hit home for me. Pink surveys the most commonly cited regrets of thousands of people from around the globe as they approached their closing years. They fitted into 4 main areas.
Category 1 is foundational regrets, or those regrets that flow from a failure of discipline, often in childhood. It includes things like not making use of the piano lessons that were on offer, or the opportunity to learn a new language, or dropping out of school early, or perhaps not developing healthy habits like getting exercise and eating well. Without solid foundations, many issues that seem small at the time have a cumulative impact that becomes significant over the decades. Sometimes they see us self identify “I’m just not a disciplined person”, as though that is a valid reason not to change. They find their way into the “I regret” or “if only” list of our later decades.
Category 2 is boldness regrets. It’s the road not taken. Perhaps we always wanted to start a small business, but there was the mortgage to pay and kids to feed and an uncertain market. We push our desire down, but it doesn’t go away. In later years it morphs into the “I wonder what would have happened if…” The question simply hangs there. Others might want to answer it for us, “I’m sure you did the right thing. Do you know how many small businesses fail. You think you regret not having done that – I think you would have regretted trying.” They might be right, but inside many people there is a dissenting voice that cries out, “I wish I had tried, I wish I had given it a go.” Of course starting a business is simply one example. For others it’s “I wish I had written that book,” or “I wish I had tried to make it as a singer”. For some it is romantic, “I know she was out of my league, but I wish I had found the courage to tell her I loved her…” It’s the path we didn’t take because our fears dominated the agenda, and often it leads to long term regret.
Category 3 notes our moral regrets. The time you didn’t speak up when a staff member was unfairly treated, or a moral lapse that caused havoc for your marriage, or letting someone else take the blame for something that was at your door… We let ourselves down over the years, and often don’t know what to do with our moral failure, and might still feel the pain of the compromise decades later.
Category 4 is about relational regrets, largely around friendships we have allowed to lapse, or people we simply didn’t keep in touch with. Sometimes these are revived in later life, and former friendships are restored, but we are left with the wasted years and wonder why we didn’t take greater care to keep doors of communication open.
Helpful though Pink’s classification is, the wisdom of today’s proverb should be allowed to sink home. Regret should be a signpost, not a home.
Why?
Because if we allow regret to become a home, a nagging disappointment we constantly live with, we will regret the way we handled our regrets. No, I am not trying to sound cute or clever. I think it’s a really important point. Deciding how to deal with our regrets is important. If we wallow in them they can become a perpetual escape route from responsibility – the “so sad, but the train has left, and now it’s too late”, excuse. Our regrets can easily morph into our excuses.
Instead, we should let our regrets become signposts – pointing out a direction for the future. “I’ve let far too many friendships lapse in the past. I’ve learnt the lesson. It’s not going to happen again because this time I will…” And we make a plan. That’s learning from our regrets. Or, “I regret that I have always given up too quickly. I let setbacks overwhelm me. It’s not going to happen again.” That’s letting past regrets serve as a signpost. It turns what started as a deficit into a positive.
For those who are Christians, facing our regrets is made easier because we know of the love and forgiveness found through Jesus. In fact, without this, regret can be without consolation. But because of the forgiveness of the Cross we can face our deepest disappointments and hand them over to Jesus. He has an astonishing ability to remould and remake broken moments and wasted potential. There is a beautiful promise in Scripture, “I will restore the years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25). Why not claim it?
Rather than allow regret to become a place of miserable escape, why not let is be a signpost, pointing you to a future alive with hope and new possibilities? Because regret is meant to be a signpost, not a home…
Nice chatting…
Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com
Thanks for reading the blog. Please increase its impact by sharing it with others. You can reproduce material from it with acknowledgment of its source.
Thank you Brian. This is gold! Looking forward to the new book.
Thanks Phillip. Well it’s underway, but still a long way to go.