This strange space called recovery…

My faithful blog followers know that I’m just back from some unexpected surgery over the Christmas and New Year period – an urgent hernia repair for those who like detail. I’m now in this strange space called recovery, when even a raised eyebrow sees Rosemary anxiously asking, “Are you sure you should do that dear? You don’t want to set the process back.” Oh it would be so easy to exploit everyone’s good will. I just need to cough a little piteously and I get offered another cup of tea or a biscuit.

True, I don’t fool everyone. My 9 year old granddaughter took one look at me and accusingly said, “Grandpa, you’re not really that sick. Here’s what I was expecting.” The portrayal that followed showed she had thought the last rites would be needed. Though she was undoubtedly relieved, it was clear she would have found a little more drama acceptable.

Actually, this sedate recovery goes against what my specialist ordered. He is a strong advocate for active recovery… By that I think he means that within sensible boundaries, I should listen to my body, and get back into doing things as quickly as I can. That’s fair enough, but my body does give mixed messages. Everything seems fine until I actually get to do it. I went for a walk yesterday and was feeling great until I decided it was time to walk back. With a shock I realised I was at the furthest point from home, and no longer felt like I could take more than another 5 or 6 steps. Oh well, in those situations you don’t have much choice and discover that you can!

Of course writing this blog post is another part of staying in the realm of normal. So here I am on Friday typing up these reflections for publication on Sunday. True, I usually try to get the post written by Wednesday, but cut me some slack, I am still in the zone of asking where the last week went.

Enough meandering. What are some of my thoughts arising from this recovery period.

Reflection 1: You’ve got to give things time

The one moment I had been holding out for on returning home was to step on the scale. As you know, the wait for surgery involved heaps of fasting and my calorie intake at hospital was at a record low. “It will all be worth it,” I had assured myself. “Those stubborn, immovable kilograms will be gone.” Yeah, right! I stepped on the scale and almost had to be taken back to emergency. I kid you not, I was 3kg up. I gawked and gawked at the scale in disbelief. “That’s just not funny,” I snarled at it. I got off and stepped back on so it could rectify it’s error. This time it had me as 3.1 kg up. That was depressing enough, then I caught a glimpse of my form in the mirror. Oh my, I looked like an about to explode beach ball. Rosemary was supportively dismissive. “Oh, that’s just post surgery water retention. It’s perfectly normal. It will pass (ha ha). Oh, and look at all this bruising. Well he did say there had been an unexpected amount of bleeding. Clearly there was. Never mind dear, you still look fabulous to me.”

Hmmm. Talk about disappointing. But actually, a few days on and it is slowly sorting itself out. My weight is almost back to normal, but as I’m still fairly swollen, I’m quietly hoping it will hit a low in the next few days. Well, perhaps, except that I’m mooching around the house post Christmas with little to do and heaps of the most fabulous chocolates and cakes around. Talk about having to resist temptation.

My too remember point: When things seems slow, take a deep breath and say, “This too shall pass.” Because it will…

Reflection 2: Some things don’t matter that much

My favourite TV genre is the murder mystery. I pride myself on having Hercule Poirot like skills when it comes to predicting who the murderer will be. The trouble with being post surgery is that you find yourself weary at unexpected times, and in the show I was watching I dozed off before the first body materialised. When a sudden snore saw me startle myself awake I found myself with the dilemma of having no idea who had been murdered. It made everything really confusing. It’s annoying when you discover the person you selected to be the murderer couldn’t have done it because they were actually the corpse. You sleep though those moments at your peril! But here’s my takeaway… it didn’t really matter. Not one iota.

My note to self. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you don’t solve the crime, there will be another to sort soon enough!

Reflection 3: Pace is relative

I can’t believe how little I have got done this week. It’s a bit of a blur, as though it simply disappeared. My phone has noted the change. It’s fairly diplomatic in its accusations. The health app I use has issued a few notifications, the trends section reporting: “The number of steps you took per day was lower over the last 5 days” and then rather worryingly: “Over the last 7 days, you burnt fewer kilojoules on average.” To add insult to injury, it has shifted my cardio fitness ranking from above average, to a measly average. All in a week!

Come on health app! I think I’ve done amazingly. The number of steps I’m taking each day might well be down, but you try and take them when you are recovering from surgery. And as for burning fewer kilojoules, why not note that I also consumed fewer. Balanced feedback would be appreciated! And as for shifting my cardio fitness ranking, just you wait. I might be down, but I am not out. I will be back!

It’s all about context, isn’t it? We often measure with such blunt instruments, but pace is relative. I actually do realise that a little more deeply. Of course I have always understood the idea, but there is something about being more vulnerable and exposed that makes you more willing to postpone judgement, or perhaps even better, to abandon judgment. Is this person I am with doing well or not? I really don’t know. I have no idea what they are facing. In his book Falling Upward Richard Rohr helpfully notes: “We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” I suspect there is something in that for me.

Well, I could go on a lot longer, but an afternoon nap is calling. Yes, this has been a different kind of blog. Yes, later blogs will see me back in my more thoughtful and reflective mode. Yes, I do have some great plans for how I’d like to expand and enhance the blog this year. But just for now, this comes from a strange place called recovery, and I hope that’s ok.

A suggested Bible passage for today: Psalm 139:1-5  “You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.“

Nice chatting…

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