Because Honesty is the Highest Form of Loyalty

It was a throw away comment in an Adam Grant podcast I was listening to at the gym. Remember, he said, “honesty is the highest form of loyalty.” Of course, just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s true, but in this instance I thought it worth thinking about – and I guess this blog is part of that thinking process.

I put the comment alongside another discussion I heard on The Rest is Politics podcast, where the ever interesting Alastair Campbell was speaking about the Shimon Peres solution.

“What’s that” you ask?

In 1985 US President Ronald Reagan outraged Jewish leaders when he visited a military cemetery in Germany containing the graves of 49 of the Nazi’s Waffen-SS soldiers. Given the devastating atrocities committed during the Holocaust, Israel’s anger and sense of betrayal was understandable, and it was widely assumed that it would deeply damage the friendship between Peres (then the Israeli Prime Minister) and Reagan. They had an unusually close relationship and it was key to the progress being made in tackling the many problems facing the Middle East – but it was thought that this lapse in judgment would be its undoing. It was at this point that Peres defused the situation with a wonderfully nuanced statement, saying simply: “When a friend makes a mistake, the friend remains a friend and the mistake remains a mistake.”

Don’t you love it?

It very beautifully affirms the value of friendship and its ability to transcend differences and difficulties. But it is equally firm that mistakes are mistakes and shouldn’t be glossed over. Friendship and crucial conversations are not mutually exclusive. Indeed, if we put it more in Adam Grant’s terms, “honesty is the highest form of loyalty.” We sometimes need to speak up and say difficult things, and we do that not because we are traitors, but because we are true friends.

Wonderful though these sentiments are, in reality most of us live in settings where we are often unsure if people mean what they say. It is common for people to dance around issues, hinting that something might perhaps be wrong, but never being specific enough to be helpful.

Some months ago I sat in a meeting where it was clear to me that despite an outward show of politeness, people were fighting with each other. If you asked me what the fight was about, I’d have to say that I had no idea. There was an unacknowledged agenda behind the agenda, and issues under discussion were being weaponised as payback for previous unacknowledged resentments. For me as an outsider (I had been asked to do a short presentation) it was unsettling and confusing. I found it exhausting. Afterwards I thought how stressful it must be to be part of that group. Everything was swept under the carpet – but the carpet was bulging ominously. It would take just the smallest of sparks for it to explode… and if it did, the damage would be great.

What does it take to have an honest conversation?

Strange as it may sound, if the truth is a difficult one, those most willing to have it are usually enemies (who will do so with mocking glee) or the closest of friends (who will do so from the deepest concern). It’s the large band in the middle who most often say nothing – it just feels too awkward.

Of course if the truth is a happy one – “You really do that well. Do keep on with it” – then enemies are likely to fall silent, and friends of all shades are likely to say something… though not always.

Some of us find ourselves in sub cultures where it is difficult to praise, and that’s not a good thing. If we don’t know if what we are doing is proving helpful, we will not be sure if we should keep doing it. I was once dismayed (and a little conscience stricken) to discover that a friend had stopped providing a service for their local church because no one seemed to appreciate it. But I had heard so many people speak highly of it – yet it seemed that no one had thought to tell her (and that no one included me…)

So what if we are in the middle band? What if you are not in the close friend circle, but do notice something… perhaps something that needs to be set right? Gal 6:1 instructs “if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore them gently. But watch yourself, or you to may be tempted.” Realistically that’s a hard verse to obey – and if you are desperate to put it into practice you probably don’t meet the “you who are spiritual” requirement… But note the underlying concern of the verse. We should be looking out for each other. We should care if people are at risk of becoming their shadow self. We should be willing to speak up if people are tripping themselves up.

In Eph 4:15 Paul shares his vision of a Christian community where people will be “speaking the truth in love” and in so doing, will “grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.” No, that does not give us a license to blurt out the first thing that comes into our mind, but it does remind us that we need each other to see things more accurately. I can’t see what I can’t see – but if your eyes are also watching out for me – together we will see more clearly.

Putting it all together where do we land? Hopefully we can affirm that speaking the truth in love is part of any mature relationship – or to put it differently, “honesty is the highest form of loyalty.”

Nice chatting…

Photo by Kevin Malik on Pexels.com

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