Hear, Help or Hug: 3 Ways to Respond
It was a slightly unexpected and somewhat abrupt question, but afterwards its wisdom struck me. I was chatting to a friend about a difficult thing that had happened and he simply asked: “So what would you like from me? To hear, to help or to hug?” It set me thinking about my instinctive response when people talk to me about something difficult. While I try to remember the importance of deep listening, I’m wired to swing into help mode. Tell me a problem, and I will quickly suggest 5 or 6 options that you can try. If you don’t like any of them, I’m usually able...
Read MoreEffort, Excellence, and Exclusion: Three challenging “E” words…
I’ve been fortunate enough to have pastored churches which grew. And I loved the challenge each brought – adding new buildings, enlarging the staff, seeing people grow in their love for Jesus and each other. But each time we came up against what I call the “effort, excellence and exclusion dilemma”. What happens when we grow to a point where what used to be good enough, no longer meets the required standard? To be clear, while much of my life is lived within the broad parameters of the church, the issue is far wider. It’s when the amateur dance teacher has a...
Read MoreTaking steps towards radical honesty…
Have you ever been in a relationship where the person says, “I want you to be completely honest with me” and you make the mistake of believing them? There is something about complete honesty that can be very confronting. Even if we are told the “complete truth” it is usually massaged to make it a little more palatable – or at least, it is massaged if the person is a friend, but might be coldly dumped (and perhaps exaggerated) if an enemy. I’ve been thinking through my values – the things I most truly hold to – and asked myself where honesty...
Read MoreThe power of “yet” and “not yet”…
They can be two such frustrating words. You hear the question:”Have you figured out how that new app works?” or “Have you worked out how to put that IKEA chair together?” You know the answer will be those two words: “Not yet!” They can be even more worrying: “Have you got the new job you’re looking for?” “Not yet.” Perhaps its even worse, “Is your relationship any better?” or “Is the chemo starting to work?” And you hear the sobering response: “Not yet.” The first word is a negative...
Read MoreLiving on the Edge of the Inside: Why it’s OK to only Partly Belong…
Many years back I read Paul Tournier’s A Place for You, and was struck by his story of a young man who said simply: “Basically I’ve always been looking for a place – a place to be.” Perhaps it was because I identified, and realised that most of my life I have felt as though I belong – but also as though I don’t. It’s an oddly ambivalent feeling – being at home, but not really. And here was Tournier putting words to it -this search for home, a place where you can be without pretence, a place you feel you truly belong. I’m not sure I...
Read MoreBecause Success is a Lagging Indicator…
I can still hear her saying it. She had been asked why so many people engage in ultimately destructive behaviours, while healthy habits are quietly ignored. Her answer was simple, but it has stuck with me. “Because success is a lagging indicator.” Naturally she elaborated, but she didn’t need to. Those six words were enough to bring the “ah ha” of recognition to me. “Because success is a lagging indicator…” We often think in terms of cause and effect. Put your hand on a dish straight out the oven, and there is an immediate yelp of pain and and...
Read MoreFrom Deep Listening to Deep Seeing…
One fun thing about being part of a podcast is that it is only very loosely scripted and you find yourself saying things you don’t expect. While sometimes they are in the “I shouldn’t have said that” category, I’ve also had really pleasing moments when I’ve thought, “gosh, that was good. Did I really say that?” My recent Stirrers and Saints Podcast on “Mary – A Leader from the second chair” has one of those moments. Jen, Jon and I were talking about the importance of deep listening, and while totally agreeing with the value of...
Read MoreThe Three Books of God: How do we Learn About God?
If you’re into theology there is a fair chance that you’ve heard about the two books of God. There is the book of nature, where creation points to the creativity, power and majesty of God, and then there is the Bible, which records hundreds of “God turned up” events and helps us to understand what they mean and how they teach us about God. Ps 19 is often used as an example of these two sources of knowledge about God. It starts: “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night...
Read MoreThe face in the mirror and other measures…
I don’t know what your relationship with mirrors is, but mine is becoming a little hostile. Aging is not flattering and the image my bathroom mirror reflects back is somewhat disappointing. For all that, mirrors can do some wonderful things. They aren’t always of the visual variety. I’ve recently had some auditory mirrors played back to me. In preparation for the release of my latest book (Stirrers and Saints – the hard cover copy is now available for pre-order) I’m part of a podcast: Stirrers and Saints- The Podcast. It has been the most enormous fun getting it...
Read MoreHumility – a baseline virtue
I imagine you have heard the usual quips about humility, often of the “I’m the most humble person I know,” variety. While we might smile at the quandary the “are you humble?” question places us in (if you answer yes, it means no; and no means yes) it’s still worth asking. Perhaps it’s not about rating ourself on this virtue, but thinking about why it matters. There is of course a case to be made against humility. It can mean struggling with a sense of unworthiness, or of feeling second rate – or a downright failure. There is no virtue in that,...
Read More