I was listening to a podcast to pass the 15 minutes that lay ahead on the elliptical trainer. The sentiment expressed was simple, but I thought it worth developing. Whoever the podcaster was (and being on the trainer is my excuse for not knowing) said we often think that we only make a difference when we do profound and life changing things. She went on to cite research suggesting that pleasant micro encounters can make a major difference to the happiness of those who experience them.
Perhaps that sounds just a touch too theoretical, but she was affirming an important truth. When we smile at a stranger and say, “Don’t you just love the weather in May” (a reasonable sentiment if you live in Australia), and they reply “Yes, it’s my favourite month”, we have contributed to making the world a slightly better place.
Why? Well, in speaking to the stranger, we affirmed that we thought they were worth speaking to. They were not just another invisible person to us. And in making the comment relatively neutral (true, some do get very worked up about the weather), we identified common ground we probably shared, and in smiling, we communicated some of the joy we find in living – and that communication tends to be infectious. Most importantly, in an oblique kind of way, we said, “you are not alone”.
Some people specialise in micro-encounters. The barista at your preferred coffee shop probably passes on a few pleasant nothings as you wait for your latte, as does the check out person at your supermarket. Think about it – do you feel better if someone checks your groceries out for you, all the time happily chatting about what could be done on the weekend or confiding in you what they hope to do when their studies are over – or just mutely checking them out yourself? Even though most people opt for the speed of the self check out lane, when it comes to happiness, the research notes that those who sacrifice 30 seconds to enable a human encounter, are happier (and that is not hard to believe if your self checkout constantly suggests you have done something wrong, and that you need to call for help – or am I the only one who keeps muddling the system?)
It’s important to note what isn’t being claimed. Micro-encounters are not about deep, life changing conversations. However, they do set the tone of life. They provide a baseline of courtesy, respect and friendliness. And over time, that might lead to more.
I remember a friend reprimanding me for always trying to find the cheapest petrol station. In remarkably directive advice he said, “keep going to the same place. Then you will get to know the person serving you and you can develop a bit of a friendship with them and take some interest in their life. Life is about relationships – not getting the cheapest petrol! Make it possible to get to know some people.”
What I noticed when I spent some time with him was how many people greeted him. Just micro encounters to be sure, but each one life affirming in its own way. Some were a little deeper. “How’s your daughter?” he asked the barista, whose eyes brimmed up as he replied, “Not so well, not so well. But thanks for asking. It makes a difference knowing some people care.” My friend didn’t say much in reply, but looked him back in the eye, “Hang in there,” he said. “Things take time. Things take time.” It was hardly earth shattering counselling, but just a little micro encounter saying, “You are not alone. You matter. I care enough to keep asking.”
Work places are often defined by the kinds of micro encounters that take place. A simple word of sympathy when something goes wrong, or praise for good work, or opening a door when someone is juggling 3 cups of coffee, makes an enormous difference. And then there are non verbal micro encounters. A smile of greeting, a nod of appreciation, or reaching to take someone’s cup to wash it for them, are wordless actions that speak volumes.
Why a blog about this?
I sat in a lunch room a while back – a bit of contract work I was doing for AVENIR. There were three other people occupants. Each had their phones out and headphones in. One was clearly enjoying her program, and chuckled every 10 seconds or so. Another sighed in irritation and kept scrolling. The third appeared to be dosing off whilst periodically starting awake to take a mouthful of left over pasta. Co-workers in the lunch room, they could have been strangers from another planet. I understood why I had been called in to work on staff culture.
In Hebrews 13:2 we are told “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.” It’s interesting that the writer puts it in the “don’t forget” category. I guess it’s the sort of thing we might overlook because it seems like no big deal – unless of course we are the person who is the stranger, and no one says hello to us, or smiles, or notices we are there. Those little micro encounters makes such a difference when you are the vulnerable one.
I hope that this week you have some marvellously deep and significant conversations – encounters that leave you stimulated and buzzing and hopeful. But don’t neglect the day of small beginnings, or forget the power of a smile, a kind word, or a little act of acknowledgment. You have the opportunity to make the world a better place, one micro encounter at a time.
Nice chatting…
Photo by Optical Chemist: https://www.pexels.com/photo/vibrant-sunflower-field-in-thailand-s-summer-sun-31299763/
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