Because you are born looking like your parents, but die looking like your decisions…

This week’s blog looks at a throw away comment I heard somewhere I no longer remember, but the words made an impression and I jotted them down. The speaker (or was it a preacher? I’m not sure) was stressing the importance of taking responsibility for our life and using the agency at our disposal to build the life we most want. And then he rattled out the words “because you are born looking like your parents, but die looking like your decisions.”

The argumentative part of me immediately wanted to swing into action. Many babies don’t look remotely like their parents, and let’s face it, that’s often just as well. By and large babies are far sweeter and a lot more winsome! But I realised I was missing the point. For we are hugely impacted by our family of birth – their location, culture, language, social standing, wealth (or poverty) all quietly transferred across to us. And it’s not just that. They gift us our genes, even though their configuration might work their way our very differently in our own body. So there you go. For better or worse, our family of origin is the most accurate predictor of the likely path for our life.

The start is not an equal one, and as William Blake poetically puts it,

Every morn and every night

Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,

Some are born to endless night

There is truth in this – sometimes it is hauntingly true and the injustice of it can be striking. But it is not the full truth. We are not simply victims of our birth. We have some agency. Our decisions make a difference. In reality, whether we view ourselves as a free agent or as a victim is one of the most important decisions we will make. The one sets us on a path of discovery, the other, often tragically, leaves us waiting for someone to rescue us and make amends. The rescue rarely happens, and even when it does, it leaves us beholden to someone else, rather than confident that we can stand on our own two feet.

Once again the combative part of me wants to interject. What is said above is true – but a third option is also possible, and is probably more realistic. It is possible to view yourself both as a victim and as someone with agency. You can realistically look at your origin and objectively note that you had many things working against you – perhaps your parents had little education, limited finance, poor social skills and few contacts. You might have been sent to a school that was at best mediocre (or perhaps there was no school to send you to), and you might have been surrounded by people who were largely beaten by life and viewed the future with passive (or angry) resignation. There might have been no windows to your world – no grand vision of what life can be when lived to the full. And yet – and yet something inside of you refuses to accept that this must be your life. Indeed, the very bleakness of your origin can be turned into an advantage as it spurs you into rejecting this as your only option. Motivation can come from many different places, and sometimes it flows more easily from disadvantage than from easy comfort and effortless achievements. Regardless of where our life begins, we die looking like the decisions we make.

So how do we make good decisions? This is where those born to “endless night” are at a disadvantage, for the more challenged the background, the fewer models there are to emulate. Perhaps that is where we who have found ourselves on the positive side of the ledger can be more helpful, and can point to skills that are useful wherever you are starting from.

The first constructive decision is about your posture – it’s a posture towards life and God. In the Bible Romans 1:20 hints at it. No matter where we start from, there is something in creation that alerts us to there being something more – God. Or as Ps 19:1 puts it “The heavens declare the glory of God.” Why does this matter? Because, as Prov 9:10 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”. This is not fear as a terrified scampering away from some ogre, but rather the overwhelming sense of awe that comes from being in the presence of true majesty – of recognising that life has a Creator and therefore a purpose. Each one of us has been “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:14). The posture then is: “God is – God is good – God has made me for a purpose – God does not make mistakes – Let me therefore say ‘yes’ to God and to life.” As I recognise this I soon realise that there is much that I need to repent of and turn from – and indeed I need to hear of the liberating forgiveness that is found through the death and resurrection of Jesus. Transformation starts when I make the unqualified decision to say “yes” to the God who made me. That’s the posture that transforms, for it sees me leaning into life, not away from it. It’s claiming the truth of Jesus’ John 10:10 declaration, “I am come that you might have life, and life to the full.”

There is of course yet more to decision making. It helps to differentiate between limiting and liberating decisions. Here are a few examples.

I look at myself and decide I am inadequate and not as good as others. That’s a limiting decision. I can turn it around and say, “I have room to grow, I am capable of growing and I will grow. What’s more, here are some of the steps I am going to take to grow.” That’s a liberating decision.

I face failure and say to myself, “That’s it. I tried. It didn’t work. Nothing every goes right for me. I’m just not good enough. I’m not going to bother any more.” That’s a limiting response. I can change it by saying, “I wonder why that didn’t work? Where can I get some constructive feedback on what I did? What can I do differently next time? What have I learnt from this round?” That’s a liberating response.

I face a challenge that I feel I should rise to, but I’m afraid. I say to myself “You are right to feel afraid. Back away. It’s ok to settle for less. You don’t really have it in you.” That’s a limiting response. You could respond “It’s ok to back away from some challenges, but this one feels like it has my name on it. I’m going to lean into it, and give it my best shot. Let me think through the best way to tackle this. Who should I consult to get some thoughts on this. And let me make this note to myself, ‘I refuse to run away from life. I will face my fears – and often I will win through. And even when I don’t, I will have the dignity of having had a go, and I will say ‘well done you – you gave it a shot.'” That’s a liberating posture – one that will sees participation in life increase, even as fears start to decrease.

There is a part of this that sounds a little like pulling ourselves up by our own shoe strings. And sometimes that is what it takes. But how about we go a little further, and having put our own house in order, think about what it will take to help those who find this more difficult – those who have been overwhelmed by destructive thought patterns, and who are willing to embrace their tiniest self. When you listen to their reasons why you most commonly hear about a world of hurt and disappointments. It breaks my heart every time I see someone who has essentially resigned to their smallest self. I have learnt that we can be the difference makers. When people have lost all self confidence, the vote of confidence we place in them can light a tiny flame of hope. I have seen that hope explode into new possibility and reality – and most often it has been because there has been someone cheering along from the side. Perhaps you can be that person to someone this week. It’s a life giving decision you can make.

Oh, and before I close, let’s remember that the first and best decision is our “yes” to God. And the remarkable thing about that decision is that it leaves us with the most transforming of all realisations, that – as Paul notes in Phil 4:3 – “I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.” The qualifier is that it’s through Christ… not because I am amazing, but because Jesus is – and Jesus invites me into life in all its fulness.

Nice chatting…

Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-person-s-hands-4631065/

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