How do you react when someone gives you some negative feedback? Do you swing into self justification? “Well thank you very much, but actually, this is what you don’t understand…” Or perhaps you go in the opposite direction, taking everything said on board, and then amplifying it, making it far more critical than was ever intended. “Oh I know, I’m really terrible at that. I’m sorry about it. I hope I haven’t made things too difficult for you. I feel awful about it.”
Or do you sit with it, think it over, taking on board what you decide is valid, and discarding the rest?
Actually, there is a bigger question to be asked?
How does the thought of getting feedback make you feel? I know many people who hold back because they are afraid of what others will say and think. Often they have a lot to offer, but fear keeps them from starting the journey. That’s always sad, especially as while some people may not enjoy what they offer, others would, but don’t get the opportunity because fear of criticism has stopped it from being made.
In the feedback loop, I find the idea of “looking inward, listening outward” to be helpful. It can be understood in a few different ways. Let me give two possible takes on it.
“Looking inward – listening outward” can mean that I look deeply inside myself, understand my values and what motivates me, and then evaluate any feedback in the light of what matters to me. Ironically when we do this we might see some insults as compliments, and some compliments as insults. I’ve learnt over the years that if some people are praising me, I’ve probably got it wrong. If we have very different values, why would they agree with me?
More important is to pay attention to the feedback that bothers you because it alerts you that you have violated one of your own principles. You look inward as you hear the negative comment, and you realise it is justified.
I do a lot of speaking. Humour is an important part of building rapport with an audience. A few times I have got some cheap laughs – saying things that I later realised would have been hurtful to some, even while amusing to others. When I get the feedback – “you probably don’t realise it, but when you made that quip, it really hurt me. I suspect you weren’t thinking of how hard it is for those of us who…” When I get that feedback I always have an “oh no – that’s not what I wanted “- response because I know I have violated a personal principle. I aim to build people up. I never intentionally try to tear people down or make them feel bad. I try not to take cheap shots. But trying does not mean I always succeed. And when someone alerts me that I have failed, I’m keen to think of how I can do better next time. And I am grateful that they have had the courage to speak up.
Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t have any problem with challenging people. If someone says they are offended because I have suggested that they should treat others differently or think differently about something – well, then I’m just doing my job. In February I wrote a post “Four things I don’t mind being accused of” – and it’s true. When some people accuse you, you know you are doing what you are supposed to. I have a very clear conscience during such times.
How do you know the difference between those times? It’s about your inner moral compass. It’s about looking inward, even as you listen outward, and its important that we do this.
There is a second way the expression can be understood. It’s usually said as a complaint, “you listen inward as you look outward!” Or, “you make everything about you”.
Some people find it hard to listen without inserting their story into the situation. “Oh I know just what you mean,” they will say. “I remember when I…” and off they go. They’ve taken the conversation away from you. They listen to trump the story – or to let you know that your life is not as dramatic as theirs. Last year I wrote about David Brooks‘ wonderful book “How to Know a Person”. He asks if we listen as illuminators or diminishers. It’s worth thinking about. Sometimes we listen to understand. We listen deeply. It is a gift. But sometimes we listen to diminish, to show that we consider our story to be better than the other. We subtly (or not so subtly) make it clear that we are really more important.
Why do we do that?
Often its insecurity. We fear that if we don’t talk about ourself, no one else will. And so we don’t lean in and really listen when others are speaking. We listen to interrupt. We withhold the gift of our full attention.
Where is this heading to? A little invitation… This week why not make the request of the Psalmist yours: “May the words of my lips and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).
Nice chatting…
Photo by Mike van Schoonderwalt: https://www.pexels.com/photo/bald-man-covering-ears-with-his-fingers-5511605/
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Thanks Brian for your open vulnerable sharing. Good helpful reminders to listen well and reflect wisely.
Thanks Rob. Very good to hear from you.
mment *very thought provoking and helpful. One of those messages that I need to hear frequently being a rather sensitive and defensive person.
Good to hear from you David. I write for myself – and also need to read this a few times!