Not how can I be happy, but how can we be happy: From I to we…

Rosemary and I have been watching Pole to Pole with Will Smith. It’s pretty inspiring, even though I’m not going to raise my hand to visit the spots explored, nor will I be swimming under a polar icecap anytime soon! In an episode on happiness Smith makes a fascinating summary statement that the key question should not be “how can I be happy, but how can we be happy.” In an era characterised by unhappiness and anxiety, this changes our focus from the individualism of the West, to the far longer wisdom of this planet, that it’s not all about me, but rather about our collective well being. And if there has ever been a time when we have needed to go back to the deeper wisdom of our past, it is now.

One of the hermeneutical mistakes that Christians often make is that they read the Bible as if it were written primarily for them. And God does indeed speak to us through the biblical text. However the text itself is not written for specific individuals, nor is it about isolated individuals. Even when the story focuses in on a particular person (say King David) it is about the impact that this person has on the whole. A godly king often sees the nation flourish, an ungodly king sees judgment edge closer. The focus is on we, not I.

You see this clearly in some specific commands. Take the 5th of the 10 commandments (Ex 20:12) “Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Read that as an individual “you” and you will say, “I better look after mom and dad, and if I don’t, I am doomed to a short life.” You take it as a personal instruction and a personal promise (do this, and your life in the land will be long). But most of us know exemplary children who as adults did the best for their parents but who died relatively young. Does that mean the promise can’t be trusted?

No – the premise being worked from is false. This is a collective promise, not an individual one. Put differently, when it says “you” its intention is “you all” rather than you (singular). It is essentially saying, “Build a society where parents are honoured, where it is possible for family life to be vibrant and strong, and you will build a society that has a long future.” Now that is true… deeply true. Forget that and you forget an essential (it’s why it is in the 10 commandments). We should be concerned when economic pressures and skewed priorities make it hard for families to flourish, and when it is difficult for parents to find time to be parents and to spend quantity time with their children (for let’s be clear, it’s a myth to say we can spend “quality” time with our children if “quantity” is deficient. Quality often sneaks up on us unexpectedly in the midst of a sufficient quantity of time. You can’t structure “7 quality minutes for my child each day” and assume that all will be well). In turn, after parenting has been done well and people age, they too should be well cared for – for you don’t honour someone if you don’t ensure their care as they age. My point is that this is a commandment about what we do together as a society. True, societies are made up of individuals who make their contribution, but it is what happens to the collective that is the focus.

It wasn’t that long ago that it was considered an insult to suggest someone was selfish. The word itself is easy enough to understand – a selfish person is someone who is primarily concerned for their self. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they actively try to work against others (and many selfish people argue that they live and let live – “I will do what I want, you do what you want”). Many people now consider a little bit of selfishness to be essential to surviving and even thriving – after all, if you don’t look after yourself, who will (and that becomes true when society moves from “we” to “I”)? But my, this focus on putting yourself first is very different to both the teaching of Jesus and the long term understanding of the Christian faith.

Do you remember the famous Prayer of St Francis – not prayed much now – more’s the pity:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

The I in that prayer is how can “I” be an instrument of peace for others. The understanding is that it is in losing ourself that we most truly find ourself, that it is in moving towards the other that I find myself. And that of course was Jesus’ understanding as well. In Matt 16:25 he calmly announces “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” It is also when we do something for “the least of these” that we do it for Jesus (Matt 25:40). The passage doesn’t think that we are the least of these, but that we should have our eyes wide open to the needs of others and respond unselfishly towards them.

In the past we felt it was daring to sometimes journey from “we” to “I” – to indulge ourselves just a little and to reflect on our uniqueness, rather than our sameness. And there is a place to enjoy the wonderful individuality of each of us. But it can quickly be overdone. I wonder if into the future we shouldn’t explore our ancient tradition, and dare to venture from “me, myself and I” into “we and ours”. For in the end, “me, myself and I” is too tiny, too lonely, and too selfish. It will also implode, and ensure that we do not live long in the land. Because genuine community building takes a move from I to we, and a realisation that the question shouldn’t be “how can I be happy?” but “how can we be happy?”

Nice chatting…

Photo by Alena Darmel: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-family-having-fun-7322390/

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