On Turning 69…

My long term readers will know that as the 13th of July approaches I write a reflection on turning a year older. It’s part of my attempt to follow the instruction of Ps 90:12 “Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom“. And yes, a day after this post appears it is my birthday, a full 69 years since I gave my first wail on the 13 July 1957. Relax, no presents are required, but good wishes are always welcome!

While getting older is sobering, it has many genuinely pleasing features. Increasingly people assume I am retired (I’m not – and work 4 days most weeks), but they also assume I have time to talk – which is a genuine privilege, even though it’s sometimes a little fraught when I actually have some pressing work deadlines looming.

I am trying to adopt the mantra “I have time” when people spontaneously open up. I am constantly amazed at how much people are willing to share when you listen and when they don’t see you as a threat. I’ve concluded that it is about posture. It’s when people sense that you are leaning in towards them, that you are on their side, and want to be helpful rather than to get anything from them, that words start to flow and stories of hope, and hurt and muddle come bursting out. There is so much inside of most people that wants to be heard… just heard, not solved, because hearing is possible, solutions – sometimes not.

And the “no easy solutions” box is teaching me more about prayer. Prayer not as a way to get things sorted, but prayer as simply holding people up before God, and trusting their hopes and dreams to God. It is a subtle shift, but a real one. Put differently, as I get older I realise that any illusions of power that I have are just that – illusions. But I can hold people up before God. I can let their story have some part in my heart, and I can present that to God. And in some way that I don’t comprehend (and don’t need to comprehend) that makes a genuine difference. It’s part of the mystery of life – part of the little reminder than none of us is really alone, for God is always with us.

So that’s one of the things I’m learning as I approach 69.

A second thing is that while staying engaged is important, maintaining the same pace isn’t. That’s a fancy way of saying that while I continue to do most of the things I always have, I don’t get through them as quickly. Initially it bothered me, and I saw it as a capitulation to aging that I should fight. Now I am more relaxed about it, and the more relaxed I am about it, the more I enjoy the things I do.

I’ve done a little audit as my birthday approaches, and have felt waves of gratitude sweep over me as I realise how many privileged settings I find myself in.

I’ve recently taken on a new role role (2 days a week) with the Carey Group as their Director of Missional Formation. Carey now employs around 600 staff, each of whom is important if Carey is to fulfil its mission of building flourishing communities of hope which help people to say Yes to Jesus. I’m looking at the way we help to form our staff, and at the resources we need to help foster their spiritual and missional formation. Some we will design ourself, others we will source externally. I also help mentor some of the senior leaders and help them think through ways they can help their teams to grow in depth and missional effectiveness. It’s about investing in the future, and passing on some of the insights I have gained over the years. At 69 (almost) it feels rather special.

Though I no longer direct Avenir, I continue to be actively engaged with several of their projects, and get to interact with some extraordinary people who are making a difference in many strategic spheres – most commonly in the educational and not for profit space, but increasingly in other areas as well. There is something a little exhilarating about hopping on a plane and going to the opposite end of the country and have a key leader chat through the work they are doing, explore some of the challenges they are facing, and then thinking together about constructive ways ahead. I also love it when I’m away with the Board of a school or not for profit and we do an audit of their missional effectiveness and decide on ways to shift course to be more faithfully relevant (and both of those words are important). I especially love the coaching I get to do with Avenir. Over the years I have benefited from people who believed in me and sat with me as I thought about how best to serve in the role I was appointed to. It’s more than special to be able to now return that.

Outside Carey and Avenir I also have a small cohort of clients for spiritual direction and get engaged in some work as a theological consultant, helping to shape the theological architecture of some Christian organisations, and helping them to think through theological challenges they are facing. I also serve on the Council of the Australian University of Theology and am a Director of Baptist World Aid Australia, where I am also the vice-chair of the Board. And then there is the preaching I get to do, and speaking at different conferences and training days.

That’s a list of things that I am engaged with, and some, like writing this blog, haven’t made the list. I have always had a bent towards action, and it continues to annoy me that “when all is said and done, far more is said than done.” But even that has seen a minor shift. I am becoming more reflective. A slightly shorter agenda makes that possible – and it is important, for I have often missed things I could have learnt from because I didn’t review them carefully enough.

Actually, life is rather wonderful. 68 has been a great age, and there is plenty I am signed up for as 69 looms near. Family is one of them. No, not as an after thought but as a deep source of delight and meaning and pride and prayer and concern and – well so many of the things that go into making life beautiful. And of course Rosemary is at the heart of it. She is facing an increasing struggle with arthritis, which is one of the key reasons we recently right sized our home. I think it will prove to have been a very good decision. Life is simply easier when you aren’t surrounded by things that you really don’t need anymore.

I am getting older – and am conscious of it. By and large my health is really good (a machine at my gym tells me that my biological age is 63 – so much for turning 69!) But really good is not perfect. I’ve been getting ocular migraines which are unsettling. They are migraines when you get visual disturbance – all kinds of patterns and shapes floating in front of your eyes leaving you simultaneously seeing but not really seeing, and not being able to fully place where things are. They usually only last about 30 minutes or so and then leave me feeling spaced out for the rest of the day, but mercifully they aren’t accompanied by the intense headaches that are often associated with migraines. My doctor has placed me on blood pressure medication for them – saying that the medication is not so much for my blood pressure but because a positive side effect of it is migraine control. Initially it saw them almost stop – but in the last 6 months they have started coming back again. Now that never happened when I was in my 40’s and 50’s. And I could go on citing a range of minor but annoying ailments… they just kind of happen as you progress on through your 60’s.

Spiritually I am also changing – I think for the good. It’s been a change that has happened gradually but steadily. I think I am able to genuinely say I trust God more that I ever have. I am also a little less certain that everything I have thought and taught about God is correct. I don’t think it is radically wrong, but I would say that I now have a faith that is a little more humble (for God alone knows), a little more curious and willing to listen to alternate perspectives, and a little more holistic and hopeful. I still deeply believe that Jesus is the hope of the world, that the Spirit guides, equips and empowers us, and that the Father loves us beyond our wildest imagining. I also love the Bible – perhaps even more than in the past. However I am a a lot more aware of how its transforming message has been co-opted to serve partisan agendas – often with deeply damaging consequences. I don’t think it should be used to shut down genuine questions or the ethical quest, nor should it be used arrogantly – as though our interpretation is its only possible option.

But I side track – this is not meant to be a post about a theological journey – just some observations on life as 69 draws near. And looking back at the length of this post I’d have to say I hope I am not becoming long winded as I get older – for I have always valued being succinct. But perhaps the evidence is pointing in that direction…

Nice chatting…

Photo: Rosemary and I about to enter our new home.

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