I always try to discover which parts of my books most resonate with readers. I was intrigued to find that in my latest book, Stirrers and Saints, the chapter on being formed by disappointment and failure has sparked many conversations. The podcast on the topic is also popular. The idea that we are formed by winter, and that it is a season to embrace rather than flee from, is a little counter intuitive, but once accepted, it’s really rather liberating.
I’ve participated in a fair number of staff selection interviews, and a question I now routinely ask is, “Tell me about a significant disappointment or failure you’ve had at work, and how it impacted you.” Some use it as an opportunity to quietly boast, “Well I was a little over ambitious and promised my boss that we would triple turnover in 6 months, but it actually took 9 months to do that.” That doesn’t get any brownie points from me. What I’m looking for is the courage to undertake things that can fail, the resilience to bounce back it if they do, the willingness to assume responsibility for outcomes, the ability to learn from experience, and a fair measure of self awareness. “I don’t remember ever having failed” neither convinces not reassures me.
Clearly that doesn’t mean we set out to fail. But we often do…
Or do we? If we become more compassionate, sensible, considerate, humble and tenacious as a result, is that really a failure, or is it a massive step forward in our personal development and growth? And what are the best measures of success and failure? Easy wins sometimes leave us arrogant and lazy, unaware that we succeeded despite of our poor performance, not because of it. In the game of life we occasionally roll a few sixes in a row, and that’s about good fortune, not skill, and we are at risk if we don’t realise it. Or as Ecc 9:11 puts it, “the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to men of understanding, nor favour to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all“. The insight that “time and chance happen to them all” is worth holding onto, both in moments of triumph and of deep disappointment. We are part of the “all” the writer is talking about.
Now I am not saying that we play no part in our own success or failure, but I do want us to see things in perspective. We are part of a system that is larger than us. We are not in control of all the variables, and sometimes they work for us, sometimes against. Humility, gratitude and acceptance are some of the byproducts of recognising this.
What I am in control of is my response to the events of life – or as Viktor Frankl so perceptively puts it in Man’s Search for Meaning, ” Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” We can rage and blame, or we can ask, “How do I say ‘hello to here’? What is the most constructive way to respond to this?” Sometimes it is to rush into action, doing what we can and lessening the damage. At other times it is to simply stand in silence. I often think about Jesus’ refusal to answer the accusations brought against him at his trial with Pilate (Matt 27:12-14). The power of that silence continues to be felt.
I am also struck by the power of framing – or the impact of the way we recount our stories. Next time something deeply disappointing happens, instead of asking “how can I ever bounce back from this?” why not reframe it and ask, “In what way is this a gift, helping me become a better, more honest and fuller version of the person God calls to be me?” The answer may be complex, and even excruciatingly difficult. It might be elusive – but it is worth pondering. May God’s grace and peace be with you as you work towards an answer to that crucial question.
Nice chatting…
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